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The generation gap is not just between us and our children or even
grandchildren, there's one between us and our parents as well. Sometimes
we lose sight of this and communicating with our ageing parents becomes
difficult. We owe it to them to do our best to talk to them with
sympathy and understanding. |
"Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while." - Kin Hubbard
Why does it seem like we have conflicts when we try to communicate with older parents? Well for one thing, our needs can be vastly different.
Our culture sometimes tends to think of the elderly as unimportant and insignificant, and that it's sometimes best to put them in a controlled environment where they can get around-the-clock care if they need it.
We've spent out lives going from dependence on our parents to gaining independence from them. We're so busy focusing on ourselves, our world, and our children that we aren't ready to enter another stage in the relationship with our parents - that of their growing dependence on us.
But some things need to be discussed and agreed upon before a crisis happens or the ageing parents become unable to communicate their wants and needs.
Many people in the older generation may be used to keeping their own counsel and aren't used to talking about private matters with their children. They're used to making their own decisions and standing on their own two feet. It's hard for them to know when they need help or to admit they need help. It's good for you to keep this in mind and be empathetic.
The more important or emotionally charged the topic, the more they WON'T want to talk about it. If you want to start talking about a delicate subject, start by talking about a "friend" in the same situation and what decisions they've made. Ask your parent for input to get the ball rolling. Think about past pleasant conversations you've had with your parents and how they were constructed.
"Be sincere; be brief; be seated." - Franklin D. Roosevelt
Are you talking AT them or WITH them? You are not there to make all the decisions and use your veto power; you're trying to support them by helping them with their decisions. You should be doing just as much listening as you are talking.
If there is a close family friend who your parent would listen to, bring them into the discussion. This can help diffuse an emotionally charged topic. And do you really need to know everything? For example, you need to make sure they have a will, but you don't need to know everything that's in it.
Slow down. They inevitably move at a slower pace than you do, and you should give them time to think about what was said. Don't push them into making any hurried decisions.
Also, don't bring old baggage to the table, even if your ageing parents attempt to. Try to stick with the subject and watch out for those old emotional triggers that can trip you up if you let them. And lastly, remember this is not a win/lose situation, i.e., you're not out to win this round.
As you enter this stage in your relationship with your ageing parents, keep the conversations going. Reach important decisions about their future together and enjoy them while they're still around.