We get to hear quite a few jokes, trouble is at our age, we can never remember them! We therefore thought it would be a great idea if we wrote a few of them down. So we have selected some of our favourites and have put them together on this page. It gets changed all the time - keep coming back to see the latest updates.
Everyone has a favourite joke, so why not send us an email with your joke (nothing too risky) and we'll be happy to publish it on this page of the Retirement Revenue website.
Send in your joke and give us all a giggle
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened".
How to keep busy in retirement
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about five minutes.
When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on sir, how about giving a pensioner a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a fascist bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a total pillock. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote..
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus, but we try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Blind Cowboy
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Pet Parrot
A pensioner buys a parrot to keep him company and takes him home.
Unfortunately, the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the old boy picks up the parrot and throws him into the freezer to teach him a lesson.
He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The pensioner opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologise for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
The pensioner says, "Well, thank you. I'm pleased you learned your lesson and I forgive you."
The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"
A Yorkshire Joke
A Yorkshire man’s dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decided to have a gold statue made by a Jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshire man: “Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?”
Jeweller: “Do you want it 18 carat?”
Yorkshire man: “No I want it chewing a bone yer daft bugger!”
We had to include an election joke!
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to Heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit Heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
' I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Today you voted.
The Biker
A biker in his late 50's is out for a blast on the first fine day in spring.
He's on his new R1 and is really enjoying the ride. He gets to a long straight and decides to see "what it'll do" and opens it up......
110, 120, 130 flash up on the digital speedo.
"This is brilliant", he thinks to himself and clicks up into top and opens it wide...140, 150, then he starts to think maybe this isn't too clever and starts to slow down.
When he hits 90, he looks in his mirrors he sees a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" and flies back up to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.
Suddenly, he thinks, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulls over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the bike, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and it’s my weekend off. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir,"
Helicopter Flight
John and his wife Mable went to Blackpool every year, and every year John would say, "Mable, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter". Mable always replied, "I know John, but that helicopter ride is fifty pounds -- and fifty pounds is fifty pounds".
One year Mable and John went to Blackpool, and John said, "Mable, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Mable replied,"John that helicopter is fifty pounds -- and fifty pounds is fifty pounds".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Excuse me, I'll make you an offer. I'll take both of you for a flight in the helicopter. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty pounds."
John and Mable agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to John and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
John replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Mable fell out, but you know -- fifty pounds is fifty pounds."
Only Robinson Crusoe could have everything done by Friday
Bad Driver.
There's a pensioner driving on the motorway. His wife calls him on his mobile and in a worried voice says, "George, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on the M6."
George says, "I know, but there's not just one, there's hundreds."
A timely quote from Groucho Marks
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies."
The Amish Elevator.
An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping Mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by the two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked: “What is this father?”
The father, (never having seen an elevator) replied, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is”.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a very large old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son.....
“Go get your mother”.
Groucho Marks one liner
"Military Intelligence. Isn't that a contradiction in terms?"
Nuts
A man visited an elderly aunt in hospital. While they were chatting she offered him some peanuts. As soon as he had finished them she offered him some more. As he was leaving she told him to take the rest of the peanuts with him. “Don’t you like peanuts?” he asked. “They get stuck in my dentures,” she replied, “so I just suck the chocolate off them."
Celebration
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
''My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
Aches and Pains
At a nursing home on the coast, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee,"
replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.
An Evening Out
A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple came out, the cat shoots back in. They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -“Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”
Hearing Problems
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
More Aches & Pains
The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor replies, "OK. Touch your elbow."
The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doctor, surprised, then states, "Touch your head."
The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell.
The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days.
Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, "We've found your problem."
"Oh yeah? What is it?" asks the retiree.
"You've broken your finger!"
Exercises for People Over 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Lack of Vision
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again
I Don't Remember
An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited.
"The food and service were great!" he said.
His friend asked, "What's the name of the place?"
"Gosh, I don't remember," he said, "What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?"
"You mean a rose?" asked his friend.
"That's it!" he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?"
Picking Vegetables
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
Red Lights
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, and neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were driving along, they came to a crossroads. The traffic light was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another crossroad, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next crossroad, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh No! Am I driving?"
The Perks of Being Over 50
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- You sing along with supermarket music.
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
- You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
- People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- You can live without sex but not without glasses.
- You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
- You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
- You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- You can't remember who sent you this list.
Wedding Preparation
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemists. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The chemist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Chemist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Chemist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Chemist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Chemist: "Absolutely.."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Chemist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Chemist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "In that case, we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list."
The Zipper
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
Train of Life
Some folks ride the train of life,
Looking out the rear,
Watching miles of life roll by,
And marking every year.
They sit in sad remembrance,
Of wasted days gone by,
And curse their life for what it was,
And hang their head and cry.
But I don’t concern myself with that,
I took a different vent,
I look forward to what life holds,
And not what has been spent.
So strap me to the engine,
As securely as I can be,
I want to be out on the front,
To see what I can see.
I want to feel the winds of change,
Blowing in my face,
I want to see what life unfolds,
As I move from place to place.
I want to see what’s coming up,
Not looking at the past,
Life's too short for yesterdays,
It moves along too fast.
So if the ride gets bumpy,
While you are looking back,
Go up front, and you may find,
Your life has jumped the track.
It's all right to remember,
That’s part of history,
But up front's where it’s happening,
There’s so much mystery.
The enjoyment of living,
Is not where we have been,
It's looking ever forward,
To another year and ten.
It’s searching all the byways,
Never should you refrain,
For if you want to live your life,
You gotta drive the train!
When I'm Old
When I'm a little old lady, then I'll live with my children and bring them great joy.
To repay all I've had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.
I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head.
I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away ... the time to be spent doing chores every day.
I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.
Hide sweets in the cupboards, rocks in a drawer ... and never pick up what I drop on the floor.
Dash off to the cinema and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.
I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.
When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.
I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I'll take them again.
I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal ...
Eat my banana and just drop the peel. Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor.
I'll break lots of dishes as though I were four. What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children... just the way that they lived with me!
When I Was Your Age
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Fishing
Two guys from Dorset are quietly sitting in a fishing boat sucking down beer when suddenly Richard says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Gerry sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
Missing Wife
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
The Golfer
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
The Drunk
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The barman shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
The Blonde
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde
Job Application
Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.
Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job"
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I."
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